The woman on the tram with the Hermes scarf initiated a movement last Friday. Recorded time 08:23.
​
​Eyewitness Luca Galafassi nearly shit himself. "I nearly shit myself!" he said. "She picked up her gloves from the next seat by moving only her arm at the elbow. Not even her eyes."

"Something I thought was an elaborate work of art fucking moved and I'm deeply unsettled." He switched trams at this point explaining how he was going to ask for some days off sick.

A second commuter, Jean-Paul Bichelot, a smelly individual who routinely stands in the pram and disabled sections added, "I suspected she was one of those second-gen sex robots, a classy version. Probably one that only takes credit cards."

Luxtram refused to allow access to any CCTV to prove any of this, however another Kirchberg-bound worker, Tom Grageingwell came forward.

"More than the usual amount of people got on at Theatre and she picked up her gloves, but still left the 'L'Occitane' bag there. Can't say if it's the origin of an act of courtesy or they are merely a fucking expensive pair of gloves."

​"No wait, that must be it. She works in our Legal Department and she's a right bitch."

You are stuck at your desk at 17:00 on a Friday and the online test you’ve put off since you were hired pops up...
 
Fuck that.  Here’s our version:
 
A. A valued client moves from Switzerland to the US without telling you.  When you find out you: 

1. Inform your Compliance Team immediately..
2. Cancel your weekly bingo sessions with this guy.
3. Carry on playing Super Mario Bros. in your Excel window.

 
2. A beneficial owner tells you his company is based in the UK, but it has been registered in the Cayman Islands since 1976.  You: 

1. Grass on him like the scumbag you are.
2. Drive past his house and shout rude things.
3. Kill him.

 
3. One client had become a PGA Level 3-A part II Reporting Entity, but only on the first Tuesday of every month during a full moon. You: 

1. Don’t realize that this is bullshit and try to find the correct form for them to fill in.
2. Put the fax you read this on in the shredder.
3. Meet up with this client and get loaded in an East European whorehouse.

 
4. A potential new account holder asks you for tax advice although you don’t even know how to do your own personal taxes. You: 

1. Grass on them as soon as you hang up the phone.
2. Shout la la la la la and make static noises and hang up.
3. Tell them to deny everything and invest in morally dubious things.

 
5. A venomous fish swims into the office.  You: 

1. Shout like a gimp, run away and call in sick because of the trauma.
2. Stand on your desk and let it sting your colleagues.
3. Treat it with the respect it deserves, take it home and give it a cool name like Gary.

 
6. Your boss tells you to dress nicely for a visit the following Monday.  You:

1. Go out and buy a suit in an outlet mall, disguising yourself in case a colleague is there to see you being a cheapskate.
2. Wear the same unwashed clothes, with the addition of your dog-chewed school tie.
3. Smack the bitch with Gary.

 
7. You see some new jive about 'Reverse Solicitation'.  You: 

1. Cobble together a new procedure based on this and show your boss what a good boy you’ve been.
2. Wait until 18:01 and put it on the desk of another Team.
3. Steal an ambulance and run over as many of your colleagues as you can on the way to nowhere.

Your results:
Mostly 1's: Crawl out of your bosses's rectum, and walk in front of a Tram.
Mostly 2's: Get a life you sadsack.
Mostly 3's: There's a chance for you, don't let the other fucktards hold you back.

The people who work in Kirchberg off the Avenue J.F. Kennedy are sour about being overlooked and excluded.
 
Corporate Actions Manager Jean Pascale Bichelot told us “There is no debate.  This is a two-tier system.  All we have received in a decade is the restructured roundabout that leads to the back of nowhere.”
 
An arrogant contemporary who works opposite Auchan confirmed “Of course we are better than those bottom feeders a block or two over there, they are the scum of the earth.  That’s why we get bonuses... and the 10.80 meal tickets instead of the shitty 8.40 ones.”
 
Bichelot (evidently not quite finished) added, “When a tram is 2 minutes late its front page news.  An unattended package in the lobby of our building which has protruding wires is forgotten about the next day.  That cause a screaming panic that one, in case you were interested.”
 
“Its fucking outrageous!” 

Two particularly preening pricks are responding to constructive Facebook questions and rants with their own not so constructive rants.

Smug wanker Kevin Bitchum puts repeated smiley emojis between such gems as "Duh!  You answered your own question!!!!!!" and "You're just rehashing someone else's opinion, any thoughts of your own??????"  "Luxembourg has an airport, feel free to grab a one way ticket!!!!!!"

Similar sob-story Gareth Dullard chimed in recently with "All public holidays and weekends are sacred!  EVERYTHING in Luxembourg should be closed and anyone caught enjoying themselves should have a large 'X' daubed on their front doors!"

Rumours of these two consistently crashing and burning on Tinder are as of yet, unfounded.  However, we have had confirmation that their evenings generally consist of a Pot Noodle and a wank. 

Rest assured though, they will be receiving a one way ticket to Smacksville by our recently envenomed pet.