The Grand Duchy is to revert to it's original language situation in the coming months.
"Fuck this!" said our Government friend Claude Klules.
"This language thing is getting out of hand. No-one can agree on how French and German manifested themselves on our books, and now some idiots are jiving on about English!"
"The only way to stop this crap while Luxembourg develops into an international city-state at a snail's pace is to bury our heads further into the sand."
This will be achieved upon the realization of a four point plan:
1. We will go back to speaking 90+ different dialects of Luxembourgish.
2. Every commune will speak a different one, so any communication or paperwork between them will not be accepted.
3. Only farmers will be unaffected by these changes as far as we know or care. Until Mandarin takes over in 30 or 40 years anyway.
4. We will release more venemous fish into the lakes and rivers. Not language related but just for a laugh.
1. Don't call it Holland. Even though loads of tourist crap is still proudly emblazoned with the word.
2. Don't take pictures of any whores in case their university classmates see them on social media.
3. Don't drink your own beer on the terrasse of the hotel / hostel you're staying in. You must buy their overpriced dog piss.
4. Use public transport because parking is absolute rape. That's if you manage to even find a space before a scooter rider nicks it.
5. Be sure to visit Maastricht, unless its a public holiday when its gridlocked by Belgians.
6. Do try those awful 'Febo' microwave style places for food and pretend to like it. They're weirdly proud of those.
7. Please buy a ticket when using the tram, its not Luxembourg and the fat jobsworth sitting in his little cabin will make a joke in Dutch on his microphone.
8. Don't go by train if you're going for less than a long weekend. More time is wasted on transfers in shifty places than sightseeing.
9. Buses are cheap but they are for the ugly, so don't do that either.
10. Do go to Snoworld Landgraaf for the day. Its foo-kin ama-zin' as they say in Cantonese! Plus it pisses on that crap slope in Amneville and is well worth another hour's drive.
A raft of changes are coming in so Luxembourg can be ready for the day public transport becomes free. Our trusty Government snitch Claude Klules took time out of a three hour lunch to list out the following alond with his comment on each:
An employee of a famous fast food outlet in Luxembourg (not that one) has gleefully avoided every single customer on New Year's Day.
Jean-Paul Bichelot told us how he used a combination of tricks to re-route New Year's Day strollers to another fast food outlet (yes that one).
"I opened up early and scooped up the mail. I then stood outside pretending to be the postman until a lingering family walked off. The rest was easy. I locked the door, vaulted over the counter and watched Netflix in the dark for three hours."
"Under my jacket of course so that the people peering in the windows didn't see any suspicious flashes of light."
"Even my two colleagues gave up and went home after about twenty minutes and six unanswered phone calls."
"Like I'm going to fucking work on a day like this."