A raft of changes are coming in so Luxembourg can be ready for the day public transport becomes free.  Our trusty Government snitch Claude Klules took time out of a three hour lunch to list out the following alond with his comment on each:

1. Rodange, Esch and Grevenmacher will be razed to make space for all the extra cars of cross border workers who will force their way just inside the country's borders.  "It'll be sad to see Grevenmacher go."
2. Bus and tram doors will be fitted with spikes to stop last second bargers.  "This was on the cards long before free transport."
   
3. The pedestrian crossings at Staereplaz to be removed completely.  "Jay walk or find another way to work."
   
4. Hundreds more of those crappy eyesores (Vel'oh bikes) to be installed around the country.  "As long as there aren't any near my house."
   
5.   Trams will not 'stop' per se, merely open their doors for a few seconds.  "It'll be like the Schuberfouer all year round!"
6. Buses will be 100% solar powered.   "No sun, no bus home dingleberries."

An employee of a famous fast food outlet in Luxembourg (not that one) has gleefully avoided every single customer on New Year's Day.

Jean-Paul Bichelot told us how he used a combination of tricks to re-route New Year's Day strollers to another fast food outlet (yes that one).

"I opened up early and scooped up the mail.  I then stood outside pretending to be the postman until a lingering family walked off.  The rest was easy.  I locked the door, vaulted over the counter and watched Netflix in the dark for three hours."

"Under my jacket of course so that the people peering in the windows didn't see any suspicious flashes of light."

"Even my two colleagues gave up and went home after about twenty minutes and six unanswered phone calls."

"Like I'm going to fucking work on a day like this."

Luxembourg's last red squirrel is gone.  

Not hunted nor diseased, just packed up a few nuts and hit the road.

Behind the Burger King in Wasserbillig, the squirrel said, "Take your pick.  I'm done with spiralling crime, retarded drivers and drab-dreary neighbourhoods full of vapid cunts."

"Even the Luxembourg Splice is only posting a story every two or three weeks.  What the fuck is that?"

"Not the grey squirrels?" we asked, taken aback somewhat by this hard truth.

"I don't hate the greys, they're just wankers.  I'm headed to Bremen to start a band."