"I shoot newer immigrants filthy looks, I wasn't like this back home!" admits expat Eliza Hrusku.
"I moved into an apartment block in Merl in 2010. There was a nice old retired guy and an American couple to socialize with. Then he passed away and the couple moved back to the US."
After that - neighbours could only be seen scooting in and out of the building as fast as possible without making eye contact. "I could feel several pairs of eyes watching me when I checked my letterbox" she added. "This is when I felt the change happening..."
Paranormal Investigator Professor Tact has been following the case since 2015. "Eliza was a model citizen in Slovakia, and for a while in Luxembourg she carried on in much the same vein. However now she parks in Emergency vehicle spaces, puts her unwanted crap in common spaces and lets her dog shit all over the commune."
"Something happened shortly after she arrived in Luxembourg and I heavily suspect witchcraft. It's not the first time I've seen this."
Refreshingly honest cross border worker JP Bichelot has last week provided his uncensored two cents to his (former) employer.
When a self-appointed ex-pat Director stormed over to his Team to point fingers about a poorly prepared report, Bichelot broke the golden rule - by speaking up.
"I told him I'm not taking a dive for a job that was not even explained to me!" said the young man.
The Ex-pat Director has since said, "As soon as he dared look me in the eye he was fired!"
Eliza Hrusku, Bichelot's former Team Leader added, "JP nodded along blankly during his six week training period, while also scrolling on his phone and writing shopping lists in French."
The second day he was working on his own he decided to roll over on us and give a mouthful to one of our overlords... But we've split his meal tickets between us, so thanks for those JP!"
While other European countries are busy arming and training the Ukrainians, Luxembourg has been pondering how it can lend a hand to the embattled nation.
This morning, interchangeable Gvt. Minister Claude Klules has had a breakthrough.
"We've been discussing this for some months," he said. "The best ideas we had were to give them the Stade Josy Barthel and give each citizen a voucher for 50€ off a hotel".
"However the Stadium is too big to move and the voucher idea is just a fucking slap in the face - as the people of Luxembourg have already experienced."
"Then during one of my three hour lunch breaks I realized we have a never ending supply of recruitment and real estate agents that everyone hates. We will just keep sending them until World War III is officially over."
"They will be replaced before their office chairs get cold anyway."
Its 13:02; you and a handful of your only good colleagues are striding across the lobby like you just robbed it.
Suddenly someone from another department bounds down the stairs talking about a project. You:
A - Offers a few words but keep walking
B - Stop and engage, looking for a sweet spot on his jaw to punch
C - Admit it, you are this project person
This sicko says we should all have a spontaneous meeting at 14:00. You:
A - Pretend you didn't hear and hope your colleagues do the same
B - Accept, and wish that this guy gets hit by a Group4 van before 14:00
C - This is the kind of thing you would say you rat bastard
This person then says can they join?
A - You say its a pre-booked food truck appointment and new faces aren't allowed
B - Sure, one more faceless suit in the queue can't hurt
C - You would do this just to annoy your colleagues
They start seamlessly banging on about another issue...
A - You connect a fire extinguisher to their skull with impressive speed
B - You blurt out "How are you such a cunt?"
C - It is you that needs smacking upside the skull with a heavy object
Mostly A's - The world needs more of you
Mostly B's - You keep your head down. Its a survival technique
Mostly C's - Crack yourself with a heavy object. Repeatedly