Don't lie. Where you work is a toxic minefield, that only your overpaid salary justifies working in.
Just how toxic is it? Check it out...
1) A constructive complaint comes in, copying upper management. What happens?
A - The very same upper management scream and shout without reading it properly.
B - The email bounces around like a pinball until someone deals with it.
C - Upper Management summon a small task force and the issue is dealt with in a matter of weeks.
2) How often are the following cringeworthy statements sent your way? "Can we have a little chat in the Meeting Room ?". Or, "Quick question..."
A - Sorry, can't talk in one of those cringy meeting now...
B - Only occasionally by the odd asshole from another Team.
C - Never, our grown-up Management treats us like human beings.
3) A comment was overheard by a known backstabber. How far away is that person sitting from you?
A - That person?! I'm surrounded by the cunts.
B - About 5 metres, there's a chance not all was heard.
C - No probs, its a temp who doesn't even speak English.
4) Right now, your 'Manager' is...
A - Wondering who you are.
B - Looking for someone to blame for the latest snafu.
C - With you every step of the way.
5) Human Resources are:
A - A ragtag bunch of ex-recruitment agents who hate each other.
B - Plotting just enough firings to avoid a social plan.
C - A really helpful, supportive group. Who answer your questions.
If you have answered:
Mostly A's - Poison as many people as you can in your next round of croissants.
Mostly B's - Most of us live here, grin and bear it.
Mostly C's - You've landed a great gig or you are a liar. In the latter case, why don't you open this Consultancy Company you keep fucking talking about?
Like Covid 19, things are changing amongst the people you casually hate.
The Brexit Boys and the "I have a house in France!" assholes have been trumped.
A three-faced Central European you thought was a friend has been doing a dance of death over you for a few years now. The model beneath explains:
Stage 1: Become close friends, maybe even trusting. Run everyone else in the Company down together. Bags of fun!
Stage 2: Talks about you to all their compatriots.
Stage 3: Says different but equally disparaging things to their little group of Frenchie friends.
Stage 4: Low punches you out of nowhere in front of your Team.
Stage 5: Goes home and inserts a final needle into a small doll which looks a lot like you.
"Oh, Luxembourg Wisconsin - never heard of it!"
"You all speak Flemish over there don't you?"
"Is the weather nice?"
We've all heard such gems at some point when we say we live in Luxembourg. The following zingers have been uttered by far-away landers. One was said by a resident - try to guess which one...
"How is it going over there in Belgium?"
"Luxembourg! Did you make that up?"
"That's where the guy headbutts the buses isn't it?"
"It's the biggest of the 1001 'bourgs in Europe."
"Its an unnecessarily protective country that suffers from warped commercial and infrastructure. The whole of the South could do with being bulldozed."
"It's disrespectful if you don't at least buy Luxlait or support the Bofferding family," said Eliza Hrusku while browsing in the Bitburg branch of DM.
"We chose to live in the Grand Duchy, so why not pay a bit more for a steak or even a car from Autopolis?"
Tom Grageingwell, (who works with Hrusku) confirmed, "Eliza never comes out since two people in the Team ordered a pint of Ramborn when it was her round."
"Lat time we had a social, she mumbled something about taking care of her elderly neighbours, got into her car bearing the licence plates from her home country and took off."