1. Don't call it Holland. Even though loads of tourist crap is still proudly emblazoned with the word.
2. Don't take pictures of any whores in case their university classmates see them on social media.
3. Don't drink your own beer on the terrasse of the hotel / hostel you're staying in. You must buy their overpriced dog piss.
4. Use public transport because parking is absolute rape. That's if you manage to even find a space before a scooter rider nicks it.
5. Be sure to visit Maastricht, unless its a public holiday when its gridlocked by Belgians.
6. Do try those awful 'Febo' microwave style places for food and pretend to like it. They're weirdly proud of those.
7. Please buy a ticket when using the tram, its not Luxembourg and the fat jobsworth sitting in his little cabin will make a joke in Dutch on his microphone.
8. Don't go by train if you're going for less than a long weekend. More time is wasted on transfers in shifty places than sightseeing.
9. Buses are cheap but they are for the ugly, so don't do that either.
10. Do go to Snoworld Landgraaf for the day. Its foo-kin ama-zin' as they say in Cantonese! Plus it pisses on that crap slope in Amneville and is well worth another hour's drive.