You are stuck at your desk at 17:00 on a Friday and the online test you’ve put off since you were hired pops up...
Fuck that. Here’s our version:
A. A valued client moves from Switzerland to the US without telling you. When you find out you:
2. A beneficial owner tells you his company is based in the UK, but it has been registered in the Cayman Islands since 1976. You:
3. One client had become a PGA Level 3-A part II Reporting Entity, but only on the first Tuesday of every month during a full moon. You:
4. A potential new account holder asks you for tax advice although you don’t even know how to do your own personal taxes. You:
5. A venomous fish swims into the office. You:
6. Your boss tells you to dress nicely for a visit the following Monday. You:
7. You see some new jive about 'Reverse Solicitation'. You:
Mostly 1's: Crawl out of your bosses's rectum, and walk in front of a Tram.
Mostly 2's: Get a life you sadsack.
Mostly 3's: There's a chance for you, don't let the other fucktards hold you back.
The people who work in Kirchberg off the Avenue J.F. Kennedy are sour about being overlooked and excluded.
Corporate Actions Manager Jean Pascale Bichelot told us “There is no debate. This is a two-tier system. All we have received in a decade is the restructured roundabout that leads to the back of nowhere.”
An arrogant contemporary who works opposite Auchan confirmed “Of course we are better than those bottom feeders a block or two over there, they are the scum of the earth. That’s why we get bonuses... and the 10.80 meal tickets instead of the shitty 8.40 ones.”
Bichelot (evidently not quite finished) added, “When a tram is 2 minutes late its front page news. An unattended package in the lobby of our building which has protruding wires is forgotten about the next day. That cause a screaming panic that one, in case you were interested.”
“Its fucking outrageous!”
Two particularly preening pricks are responding to constructive Facebook questions and rants with their own not so constructive rants.
Smug wanker Kevin Bitchum puts repeated smiley emojis between such gems as "Duh! You answered your own question!!!!!!" and "You're just rehashing someone else's opinion, any thoughts of your own??????" "Luxembourg has an airport, feel free to grab a one way ticket!!!!!!"
Similar sob-story Gareth Dullard chimed in recently with "All public holidays and weekends are sacred! EVERYTHING in Luxembourg should be closed and anyone caught enjoying themselves should have a large 'X' daubed on their front doors!"
Rumours of these two consistently crashing and burning on Tinder are as of yet, unfounded. However, we have had confirmation that their evenings generally consist of a Pot Noodle and a wank.
Rest assured though, they will be receiving a one way ticket to Smacksville by our recently envenomed pet.
The first person to survive being 'Fair Gamed' by a notorious Consultancy Company has bravely come forward to the Splice.
Before grabbing the homely essentials and absconding to shores unknown, Nicholas B detailed how QD Revolutions hounded him and his family.
"They told me the ankle tag was just a temporary measure. I had it on for 3 years. It used to beep and shock me whenever I was more than 5 kilometers from work. Thank Christ the batteries ran out."
He went on to say how this made him suspect that a dead fox nailed to his door and 3 A.M. calls from fax machines were all related. Over an encrypted line, his wife confided, "Nicholas browsed Monster.lu for 20 minutes one night. The next day there was somebody dressed as a clown in our basement."
Head of QD's H.R. Guillermo (a kind of Frankenstein's monster who dresses as the clown) said, "It puts the lotion in the bucket, it puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again."
We wish Nicolas and his wife all the best in relocating in peace for the New Year.