Your colleague is leaving soon and needs help writing the standard thoroughly insincere, drippingly sanctimonious and downright lie of an email to the rest of the company. These little gems that we all chortle over 4 or 5 times a year do not write themselves. Your utterly stumped colleague told the Lux Splice, “I just want one of them to find it in their tiny, hateful hearts to let me sail off into the sunset. I’ve secured another dead-end, pointless job and would like to maintain at least a shred of dignity.” Narrowing her eyes, she hissed “If not I’ll reveal which one of those assholes took the flat screen from Reception.”
In response to the Umwelt scheme* and the proposal to extend German road tolls to cars, Luxembourgish parliament is planning to quadruple the price of fuel, coffee, tobacco and alcohol at the faintest hint of a German accent. "We were just going to do it on the Eastern side of the country, but then we also punish the normal, less arrogant Germans who don't work here," said a cross-eyed politician. Asked whether it was enough punishment that Luxembourg breweries monopolize the country and force their piss-poor beer on everyone he said, "You'd think so, but no."
*A scheme brought in during the night, almost certainly while you were sleeping.
The shallow and stuck-up amongst you (yes you) are already taking up your skiing positions. Pistes everywhere are blighted with you lot standing right in front of where the chair lifts unload, blocking the bars from noon til night and parking in two spaces outside two-space only hotels. A stuffy Spaniard (who claims he is in Switzerland but is really in the Voges) said, "I behave just like I do in Luxembourg. If Luxembourg had mountains I'd be even more of an insufferable cunt". "It's all in the L Registration plates out here!" he added with a lop sided smirk.*
*This may be because he was once glassed in an Edinburgh pub.
Proposals are now officially open to decide where the Grand Duchy should be moved to. As is well known, all of the tower cranes in the country are being combined to form the world’s biggest removals company, whichwill be used to move the Grand Duchy somewhere else on the planet. The front runner is (rather unambitiously) the other side of Germany. An ex-pat who has been here for donkey’s years offered, “Czechs and Austrians* as neighbours instead of the two arrogant ingrates we have now? It’s a no-brainer!” Another punter added, “These Luxos who keep bleating about fucking off to Madagascar every year are secretly only willing to move just East of Bayern. They make me sick.”
*Some Czechs and Austrians interviewed thought it was an ok idea.