An ambitious 5 point plan is being unveiled to transform the media landscape in Luxembourg.  The Luxembourg Splice is giving a world exclusive (you're welcome):

1. New Premium PPV channnels streaming tram and roadworks in real time 24/7!  You will never miss a beat from now on!
2. L'Essentiel to waste even more tons of paper with their low grade piffle. (After all, it wouldn't be Luxembourg without a sodden L'Essentiel every four or five metres).
3. RTL Today to be entrusted to Sixth-Formers who've had a couple of lunch pints (to boost the quality of the writing).
4. Invite even more TV and internet providers just to ramp up the confusion as to who does what and where another company gets involved.
5. To keep on bleating about the free transport - even though the one-person-one-car army doesn't give a shit.

The SREL needs to be told when to take a shit apparently.

Boss of the service, Claude Klules explained "Contrary to what people say, I'm sure we could find a rat in a shithouse if we wanted to."

Asked why criminals run riot in Luxembourg, he scoffed "Please!  We run a raft of measures such as cutting holes in newspapers to watch suspects and our Teams move in on them in comical zig-zag formations."

"Plus a lot of perps drive straight through our country so we just need to look the other way."

"Is there anything you are working on to modernize the service?" we asked.

"Since last year we've run a course in telling your asshole from your elbow...  We have a 65 per cent pass rate,"  he said smugly folding his arms.

Old Fruitcake - This old 'burger has beeb banging on about moving to the Bahamas to anyone who'll listen (or not) for the past 27 years.

French/Belgian Career Criminals - Generally discussing which part of Luxembourg to focus on burglarizing next.

East European Bar Girl - She smiles politely but cannot wait for her job at Clearstream to come through so that she can ignore you all forever.

Gang of Luxembourg Teenagers - These kids talk loudly in their best street French, but go silent when above career criminals are around.  They are allowed two small beers each and must be home by 9 P.M.

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The idea you had about streamlining processes has been stolen and consequently some jumped-up Compliance prick in Dublin got a promotion because of it.  

Turns out when you think you're getting somewhere your fortunes are being reversed, your accesses are being removed while more and more oversight people are questioning the newfound meaningfulness you find yourself in.

Very meta isn't it?

Tom Grageingwell, a spokesperson for your Head Office said, "Luxembourg?  Isn't that where we send the people we want to forget?"