The likes of Lidl and Aldi will duke it out by seeing which one can force more customers through the checkouts even quicker.

“We’re on a good footing already,” said a drab Lidl Regional Manager. “Products are jettisoned towards the windows, the floor and even the odd customer. In fact we have the record for egg breakages and frozen pea related falls.”

“Piffle!” said Aldi’s man. “We have a guy who rips open packets of frozen food with his teeth after scanning. This competition is ours for the taking!”

A rumour that Lidl are training macaques to handle cash and card payments could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, although a mixture of incoming flour and shit sounds about right to us.

Grashley Scott spent €560 getting a taxi from Kirchberg to Senningerberg last week and he's as happy as a pig in shit.

"I couldn't leave work early and get a bus to go to a job interview, too suspicious", he said. "I booked the first taxi I found and choked when the river said I was looking at €45."

"But then the epiphany came! I had to get this job and give the performance of my life."

Driver Eduardo contributed, "He told me to leave the meter running and to add the price of some gifts to my family back home, but he jumped out before I could tell him we're doing just fine down in Limpertsberg."

"I didn't get the job and my wife left me," splurted Grashley later. "But I'm going to open a firm called Lifesaver Taxis and make a mint!"

"Patent pending!" he snarled, narrowing his eyes and pointing with his plastic fork.

Your Compliance Manager wears a Skull Ring as a last bastion of defiance, like a domesticated cat backed into a corner, emitting a singular meow.

"You know Easy Rider?  That was gonna be me!  Until my best friend got married and became a Primary School teacher", he confided.

"I finished my last reefer, fished out my degree certificate and fifteen years later here I am.  Forcing layer upon layer of home-cooked regulations on my colleagues.  There's a picture of me on the kitchen with darts in it."

"The ring stats though, if you don't like it file an internal complaint."

"Except don't!"  He whimpered, grabbing the Splice's arm. "If the wife finds out she'll zip up her handbag.  Both of my balls are inside."



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