A wide-eyed spawn of entitlement has joined your Team while you were on vacation.
She plans to ask you what a fax machine is when you come back.
While sitting at your desk, Nelly Naiva continually tapped the PC screen until someone from Legal put her hand on the mouse.
One of the three Team Leaders in the five-strong Team, Tom Grageingwell told us “Our absentee prick of a Manager has already had her interviewing people.
"Last week she said to someone, ‘I’m qualified in Economics – I think I would have heard about this financial crisis you speak of.”
“The poor guy didn’t get the job.”
What’s more she cried when the last round of promotions was announced, and just like that she became our fourth Team Leader!”
“She has called a Team Meeting today. We’re going to decide once and for all what the best Twilight movie in the series is.”
Luxembourg officials are happy that they have wiped the country off the map again. Firstly by floating a load of plastic ducks down a river, then by some pilgrimage called Octave whatever that is.
“We made world headlines with the free public transport thing” said interchangeable government spokesman Yves Flugelbinder.
“But don’t panic, all the people involved in that have now been buried in Bambesch.”
Flugelbinder kept talking. “We wanted to stage an event where adults throw snacks and ice cubes at each other but Internations keeps beating us to the punch.”
The town of Grevenmacher is getting back into the spirit by commissioning a National Gravel Museum, and Remich authorities are busy planning to dedicate a week entitled ‘The Celebration of the Cardboard Box.’
“It’s sponsored by Cactus” said Flugelbinder smugly.
Chocolate goes in a day, wafers in a week. Fruit and nuts can take months.
But what you deposit at work will be devoured at some point, says Team Leader Dorothea Hrusku.
“It’s a catch-22” she said. “People will never bring in the good stuff, but on the other hand are desperate for stuff to pig out on. This may well actually be the closest we get to foodbanks in Luxembourg.”
“There is a subtlety involved though,” warned colleague Thomas Grageingwell. “Put those cheap nasty Easter chocolates in the printing room for example, they’ll be gone well before lunch.
You get to rid yourself of unwanted crap and you are a temporary god in the eyes of your co-workers.”
The Splice has used hidden cameras and can confirm that your colleagues and superiors eat like gremlins when they think they are alone.
“Think of your office not only as a foodbank but a food exchange, or a food amnesty” added Grageingwell.
“It would be the perfect way to poison someone.”
Strike while the iron is hot and put Desktop Management on your CV now.
“It’s magic!” said a Recruitment Agent currently working for his 14th Agency. “One of those skills that looks great and will generally be noted in a subliminal way – but not actually discussed.”
“If I was human I’d cry tears of joy!”
“I invented it!” said random Ania Zvlastni. “I was doing my normal thing at work of looking from an excel sheet to my inbox and back again. Then it just hit me out of the blue.”
“It accompanies Project Management perfectly. Interviewers always ask you about your projects and you bang your drum to your heart’s content!”
“Project Management hooks the fish, Desktop Management reels it in!”