THE LUXEMBOURG SPLICE
  • Home
  • NEWS
  • Contact
  • PARKTARDS

INFRASTRUCTURE (TRAM) STATUS

8/27/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
“Garish disco lights and really annoying musical interludes are customary when opening a new tram line,” said a local Government Goon who couldn’t find anyone else to be his mouthpiece.  

"Plus it takes away from the fact that trams were first discussed in the 90's or something."


When gently pressed on the accuracy of the city’s plans to complete the whole network he sighed, “All other European countries will have networks like Blade Runner before that happens, save the UK possibly. 

"As long as our construction companies* refuse to work nights, weekends, holidays and most weekdays, we’re on track!” finished the grinning prick.


​The latest phase saw the trams reach the eternal nothingness that is Place de l’Etoile. 

​Once it has finished rattling past the Schuberfouer at 4km per hour.


*He did the quote marks gesture at this point.
0 Comments

1 Millionth Parent Brings Kid to Work

8/16/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
The girl whose leaving email you thanklessly helped to write*, who you always secretly had a thing for, has become the millionth parent in Luxembourg this year to take their new born into work.

The kid (which is not yours because it has hooves) was shamelessly paraded underneath the eyes of:
Gushing, 
Slightly interested,
Indifferent,
Suspicious, 
and even a handful of contemptuous colleagues. 

The latter of these swiftly upped and left for a 3rd coffee in an impressive ant-like formation. 

​The woman's Line Manager meanwhile spewed, "Well, at least we are almost sure that the maternity leave was genuine.  Unlike other women here who are conspicuously absent the whole time, come back and merely place a photo on their desks!  Like that magically explains everything."

The Splice will be awarding said woman the Vapid, Sad Sack Scum-Sucker of the year Award soon.   

Along with a good hard face-slap.

With a venomous fish.

​
*She left for 6 months and came crawling back.  
0 Comments

YOUR OFFICE IS 3RD CENTURY CHINA

8/13/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
That's right.  The place you trudge to every morning from the bus stop you can't pronounce is a recreated Terracotta army site.  Essentially, you are a player in a 21st Century version of Qin Shi Huang’s afterlife.

The Splice is going to kindly give you a virtual tour.  Right now:

The infantrymen are lightly armoured, wielding basic weapons they had to source themselves.  They are the ones forced to duke it out on the Front Line.     

The Officers (pictured) are way behind, endlessly locked in clandestine discussion, their hands empty and shaped in what could only be described as a masturbatory position.  Many of these people do not even have heads, and are essentially hollow inside.

The Archers who skulk between are there to report on any out of order behaviour from the Front Lines.  Jesters and acrobats are along for the ride.  A significant amount of the soldiers are still buried (in shit) with no immediate plans to be unearthed, even though their existence is well known.

The Emperor himself meanwhile is 1.5 kilometres away within a mountain of jade and gold.  There are no immediately obvious open lines of communication.   Regardless, his army are ordered to face the other direction, and must defend him without question. 

But woe betide he who goes anywhere near the precious fucker. 
0 Comments

PLAIN CLOTHED TICKET INSPECTORS POUNCE!

8/4/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
Without warning, Agents dressed like French IT workers panicked a busload of commuters this week by jumping up and demanding proof of fare.  The driver noted, “Most passengers scooted to the middle doors like they always get out at the Josy Barthel Stadium.”

“Attempts to prize them open resulted in six people falling into a kind of human ball making it impossible for the next wave to even try.”

A Brit, Tom Grageingwell told the Splice “My effort to filibuster them by playing the language game lasted about 0.7 seconds.  Even showing my M-Kaart which expired in 2013 didn’t placate them in the slightest.   Why did I bother getting that special plastic wallet for it then?"  

"At least I didn't go for the doors, those people got beaten with sticks."

The Agents held their own throughout, facing such gems as; “This is illegal in my country!”  “You wouldn’t act like this in first class!” and “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!”

Concerned by these scare tactics, the Splice was mortified to learn of the following plans the Luxembourg government has:

  • Staff of Cactus, Auchan and Delhaize will check to see if customers are sneakily also shopping at Aldi and Lidl.  Those shopping in neighbouring countries will have their Luxembourg residency stripped, and may even experience an ‘accident’ on the way home.
  • Anyone openly complaining about the slow progress of the trams will be thrown into that underground train station at the airport until they can figure out what to do with it.

You’ve been warned dinguses.    
1 Comment

    Archives

    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • NEWS
  • Contact
  • PARKTARDS