Point by Point Translation of the Dreaded Email from Above
1. Utterly vague irrelevant subject.  Copy and pasted in so many ways that the original is impossible to source.  So far so clever.
2. The writer is a French speaker.
3.The most lazy and arrogant greeting ever.  Did anyone ever get a postcard that started this way?  Translation: Dear whoever, I don’t care - just answer my fucking question!
4.Someone is in trouble
5. WTF?? 
6.Stop what you are doing while I ram my problem down your throat.
7. One of thousands of direct translations.  See also: Indeed and in fact.
8.Trying desperately to retain the cleverness.
9. A whole new world of vagueness.
10. There is no scream attached.  Except for the one coming from deep in your soul.
11. The fat neck pig who watches us like a toad in the reeds actually bothered to manually add an apostrophe and an ‘s’.  It is the perfect bookend to ‘Dear all’.

Last week Englishman Tom Grageingwell went out in the early evening to his territory-neutral local pub in Limpertsberg, and came home at 4 a.m. Luxembourgish.

According to his Irish girlfriend he stumbled in showing a mass of chest hair and uttered a string of low-pitch gruffisms.  “I thought maybe he hit his head and had one of those temporary identity changes. He was saying random words, not quite German, not quite French. “

"We watched all the Jason Bourne films that day and he seemed fine, energized even. This morning he was watching BBC News, but quickly switched it off, grabbed his jacket and said ‘Addi’.”

His girlfriend had recently suggested marriage, since Tom’s plan to take Luxembourgish citizenship sank without a trace after two language lessons.

“Not only was I Luxembourgish...” Tom told the Splice, “...when I walked out of that pub I also knew Karate.  Just look at the neighbour’s fence.”

“Please don’t tell the Mrs I was speaking the Queens.”

His girlfriend later sighed “He basically fell into nextdoor’s fence. The cat screeched, he shit himself and ran off. Didn’t come back for three more hours.”