What kind of ex-pat Lux resident are you?
Do stop by and take our survey:
1. Tolls are introduced between Thionville and Luxembourg. You…
A) Chuckle on the inside but express fake sympathy to French colleagues.
B) Head straight to the Company responsible and bitch all day long while thrusting your placard towards any media that shows up.
C) Laugh your ass off, drink a shot and do a pixie dance.
2. A new Government coalition is setup. You…
A) Learn Luxembourgish and join the Demokratesch Partei as they are apparently the big boys.
B) Stand and nod as you pretend to read the leaflets in your mailbox. Then you trash them as soon as you scuttle inside.
C) Stuff all the junk mail from your box into a neighbour’s. Go inside and laugh as they swear at whoever did this.
3. One of the talking-head politicians says Luxembourgish should be the main language here with English as a second. You…
A) Carry on being a prick in any language that you speak.
B) Switch your phone off and pretend it’s all a bad dream as you head to a client meeting at the Sofitel to talk endless shit.
C) Laugh your ass off, pop open a beer and do a pixie dance.
4. Luxembourg schools come in rock bottom on European league tables as usual. You…
A) Smirk as you send your kids back to their Swiss boarding school.
B) Remark that Luxembourg should be more like Finland to other parents who don’t even want to know your first name.
C) Laugh your ass off, sit down and watch a classic movie with a glass of brandy.
5. A fresh faced young couple ask you to take a picture of them outside the Philharmonie. You...
A) Utter a Luxembourgish insult as you trot past on your horse.
B) Take the pic, and then ask where they are from with the kind of sympathy usually reserved for refugees.
C) Reverse the camera and take a snap of yourself holding up the finger. Walk off and shout “Losers!” as they distraughtly see what you’ve done.
6. Your ‘friend’ calls you and asks if you want to meet up to go apple picking (resulting in 300 of them rotting in your kitchen). You…
A) Scold them for not being there already as you have reserved the whole orchard for the day.
B) Go, but spend most of the time in an empty row hating all that you are.
C) Pretend they’ve got a wrong number by doing a really bad foreign accent, hang up and then get shit-faced in Trier.
7. Another ‘friend’ moves right next to their workplace and invites you to the housewarming. You…
A) Buy a magnum of Dom Perignon and welcome him/her to your vapid club. Current Membership: 1.
B) Go over with a fake smile, a script of pre-rehearsed dialogue and an awful bottle of Crement that someone else gave to you.
C) Rock up in the middle of the party and smack them with a venomous fish. Chuck the fish on the cheap Aldi spread and bounce.
If you scored:
Mostly A’s: You are a scumbag. Hang yourself in a public place.
Mostly B’s: You’re probably in the majority of ex-pats here. You’re part of a socio-economic group known as ‘assholes.’
Mostly C’s: You’re pretty cool, and not afraid to be a little kitsch! Rock on dingus.
A sudden speeding up of clicks in the office is not your colleagues experiencing an energy boost for their current task.
Lux Uni Researcher Pascal Essenkeks broke the bad news early today.
“Yes, unfortunately, after a twelve year study we concluded that these random upsurges in an office worker’s mouse clicking and keyboard tapping is driven by blind hope for a messianic intervention.”
“This ranges from a lottery win, to a dream holiday, right down to a compulsion to start an electrical fire.”
Pascal has published his findings on these key behaviours studied along with his best description thereof. He has been kind enough to share an excerpt exclusively with the Splice:
Rhythmic Clicker - Generally shopping. Leave them alone, they will bite.
Arrhythmic Clicker - People switching between one excel and a myriad of internet windows. Generally safe to approach – they can minimize Internet Explorer at the sound of a butterfly 50 metres away.
Random Double Clickers - These people are actually working. This takes place during a dedicated 20 minute window every day. Please leave them alone at this time.
Smashing Mouse on desk - Don’t make eye contact. Calmly leave the room ASAFP.
Incessant Keyboard tappers - Gossipers constantly yakking on IM programs or Linkedin. A sadistic beating or a car ‘accident’ are the best ways of dealing with these.
A middle-aged Bel-Air man collapsed this morning and was rushed to Urgences at the Robert Schumann-Henry Funck-Andy Schleck Centre Hospitalier de la Croix de Gasperich sur Syr.
Alexander Gribbage received a letter regarding a job he applied for in 1989 and suffered a mild cardiac arrest.
“I was at school revising for my finals and thought I’d send an application to Eurotech Technologies, the company I’d just completed work experience with. I thought it was showing initiative.”
The Company wrote back saying “Whilst we admire your initiative we are afraid that we have chosen to pursue other more suitable candidates, since you are now 47 years of age.”
Helga Offenbacher, The Head of HR who couldn't even be bothered to sign the letter, snorted at the Splice “Oh please, Mr Gribbage will probably demand too many francs! Anyway our Head Office in East Berlin isn’t reachable at the best of times. When they are the lines are bugged".
"Will this be all? I have tickets to see Jefferson Airplane.”
The Splice just hung up.
*Just before going to press it has been announced that a skeleton found by a construction firm in Junglinster was a Luxembourgish person who died of jobshock syndrome.
How did we know it was Luxembourgish? It was wearing a Hermes scarf.
*Contributed by Peter the Alcoholic Anonymous