Luxembourg's last red squirrel is gone.
Not hunted nor diseased, just packed up a few nuts and hit the road.
Behind the Burger King in Wasserbillig, the squirrel said, "Take your pick. I'm done with spiralling crime, moronic drivers and drab-dreary neighbourhoods full of vapid cunts."
"Even the Luxembourg Splice is only posting a story every two or three weeks. What the fuck is that?"
"Not the grey squirrels?" we asked, taken aback somewhat by this hard truth.
"I don't hate the greys, they're just wankers. I'm headed to Bremen to start a band."
A 15 year study by Lux-Uni has revealed that the miscreant who leaves the microwave beeping at work is also the one changing the copier language and routing all the snail mail to your desk.
Professor Tact detailed more...
"Analysing the habits of staff all over Luxembourg shows us that the moron leaving stuff in the microwave is also clogging the toilets, throwing cutlery in the bin after eating and using your parking space".
We asked Professor Tact, "This is obvious to most people; is there any ultimate goal to this study?"
"We're going to start clearing these people, using Gary the venemous fish."
"Plus we don't know what to do with all of our money."
A wanker who routinely deconstructs everything he lays his eyes on has refused the internet's efforts to appease him YET AGAIN.
Jareth, the Emperor of the internet filled us in. "We moved the stars and the sky for him, I sent him a crystal ball in his dreams! We even offered to remove the pigeon from his rectum, but alas... Not good enough."
The wanker, called Alessandro or something, gave his opinion. "I was feeling 'Magnolia' last Sunday morning but nothing on my tablet really did it for me. In fact, stuff I hadn't decided to hate yet was polluting my social media feeds, so I spent hours insulting each and every one. Oh yeah, I hate social media as well."