Christmas market vendor Claude Tightfaust is adamant that his wares will fly off the shelves of his tottering stall this season.
“Many pigeons, I mean customers, will take the standard snow globes and hideous metal figurines for at least double the price of German markets,” he reckons.
“This year I’ve also got some nasty metallic swords and dragon ornaments. I’ve lost count of the envious looks from other stall holders, the one trick ponies that they are.”
A Swiss couple directly opposite Claude, who sell eye gougingly expensive Gingerbread weighed in with; “He drinks his body weight in Gluhwein and squawks at people like a crow. It’s more scary than funny.”
On trying to politely leave, Claude started to bargain. ”Alright, the doyly set for €50! An itchy Santa hat for €25!”
Long into the night he shouted “Take my wine cup back and we’ll split the deposit.”
“Be my friend! I want to die.”
Cannabis and free transport, blah blah, yak yak yak.
The Splice has obtained the part of the coalition plan that was not made public. The best of these leaks are summarized beneath:
A bilingual frontalier is sad that his English colleague speaks differently to how he writes his emails. Florian Dubois, a resident of Lorraine who is actually not lying by putting ENGLISH : FLUENT on his CV, is sad that his teammate Jo Buttons uses flair in written but not spoken form.
Florian detailed, “He bought me a mug saying ‘Fuck Mondays’ because I booked some trades for him when he had to leave early once. The conversation never really picked up from there.”
“He writes about how a new Fund subscription is ‘Kafkaesque’ or how a conference call leader is ‘Machiavellian.’ But when I ask him about it, he just says things like ‘Alright boy?’ and ‘How are you doin’ ya fucker?’”
“I studied James Joyce and Daniel Dafoe during my year abroad in Dublin.”
Buttons sighed, “Yeah sure, he actually isn't a lying bastard on his CV. I gave him a mug, what the fuck does he want?”
He lapsed into quite a long thousand-yard stare, then grimaced.
“He touches my leg sometimes.”