Budget Supermarkets to Increase Aggression

The likes of Lidl and Aldi will duke it out by seeing which one can force more customers through the checkouts even quicker.

“We’re on a good footing already,” said a drab Lidl Regional Manager. “Products are jettisoned towards the windows, the floor and even the odd customer. In fact we have the record for egg breakages and frozen pea related falls.”

“Piffle!” said Aldi’s man. “We have a guy who rips open packets of frozen food with his teeth after scanning. This competition is ours for the taking!”

A rumour that Lidl are training macaques to handle cash and card payments could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, although a mixture of incoming flour and shit sounds about right to us.