Don't lie. Where you work is a toxic minefield, that only your overpaid salary justifies working in.
Just how toxic is it? Check it out...
1) A constructive complaint comes in, copying upper management. What happens?
A - The very same upper management scream and shout without reading it properly.
B - The email bounces around like a pinball until someone deals with it.
C - Upper Management summon a small task force and the issue is dealt with in a matter of weeks.
2) How often are the following cringeworthy statements sent your way? "Can we have a little chat in the Meeting Room ?". Or, "Quick question..."
A - Sorry, can't talk in one of those cringy meeting now...
B - Only occasionally by the odd asshole from another Team.
C - Never, our grown-up Management treats us like human beings.
3) A comment was overheard by a known backstabber. How far away is that person sitting from you?
A - That person?! I'm surrounded by the cunts.
B - About 5 metres, there's a chance not all was heard.
C - No probs, its a temp who doesn't even speak English.
4) Right now, your 'Manager' is...
A - Wondering who you are.
B - Looking for someone to blame for the latest snafu.
C - With you every step of the way.
5) Human Resources are:
A - A ragtag bunch of ex-recruitment agents who hate each other.
B - Plotting just enough firings to avoid a social plan.
C - A really helpful, supportive group. Who answer your questions.
If you have answered:
Mostly A's - Poison as many people as you can in your next round of croissants.
Mostly B's - Most of us live here, grin and bear it.
Mostly C's - You've landed a great gig or you are a liar. In the latter case, why don't you open this Consultancy Company you keep fucking talking about?