Luxembourg's fast food chains will not be issuing a statement (read: apology) as their UK equivalents are currently doing.

The rep for whichever faceless franchise own all of them said, "No.  Unlike the UK outlets who are asking for a little patience during the slow reopening process, we will just keep giving slow, rude and below par service."

"Isn't now the perfect time to rethink the policies?" we returned.

The rep sighed.  "If you want a decent KFC you gotta go to Maastricht."

"Fuck all is gonna change here."



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 "I worked for 30 hours last week!"

"There will be sixteen kids in my class next year!"

"I don't get paid enough to deal with all these languages!"

Just three of the things that the world's highest paid teachers have been saying during the lockdown.

Parent Eliza Hrusku said "We, full time workers are being told to correct our kids' work, and if we don't the teachers get pissy."

"If this keeps happening I'm going to buy them Luxembourgish chocolates at the end of the year instead of Belgian ones.  That'll show 'em my feelings."

The Splice proposes that everyone drops their other concerns at this time and spares a thought for Luxembourg's poor teaching community.  Why not pool together and get them a package holiday they can take in the two month Summer vacation that's coming up? 

​

The scumbag who steals Nespresso capsules at work is definitely also the fucking snitch in your apartment block.

​A painfully long investigation spearheaded by Professor Tact including: common sense, whistleblowing and foxhole digging (but mostly common sense) preceded this revelation.

Prof. Tact said, "We can confirm that the toad-like mother fucker who called the cops when you spoke to a friend through your window is the same piece of shit at work who sends all the auditors your way.

Gasperich resident Eliza Hrusku stated "The Toad Man lets his shrill and hateful children torture the entire building, but if you dare to use the communal tap, he's straight on the phone to the agency."

"What is the solution?" we asked.  "A venemous fish to the face?"

"I'll be using him for a future experiment" stated Tact.  

"Gonna place a lump of coal in his rectum and get me a diamond!"












]

The one and true Luxembourg Lockdown survery has landed!  Get to it.

1. How are you coping overall under these conditions?

A) I'm in psychosis.
B) I like it, should always be like this.
C) Helps no end with my yoga.

2. Has the Luxembourg government done enough?

A) Please, they wait until two or all three neighbouring countries do something, then quickly roll out their own facsimile.
B) Are the speed cameras switched off?
C) Yes, their leadership is a beacon of light to the world.

3. Who are you personally blaming for the spread of coronavirus?

A) Every single Chinese person on earth.
B) Westerners flouting all the so-called 'rules'.
C) I'm not.  I am staying open minded about this.

4. How is working from home?

A) Bullshit.  I don't get overtime so I am watching six hours of TV every day.
B) I only need to look at my po-faced colleagues for 30 minutes per day.
C) I can make things work with my own personal hardware, its amazing!

5. How has your family dynamic changed?

A) I don't know.  I've been locked in the basement for eight days.
B) The one who shall be obeyed is the one true god.
C) We are blessed that we know each other and our equally shallow children even better.

6. What have you learned?

A) All of my neighbours are cunts.
B) I've wasted my life.
C) I can re-connect with myself, learn at my own pace and broaden my horizons.

7. What have you found?

A) What?  Besides all the knackered toys my kids refuse to throw away?
B) That I like looking at Thai lady boys more than I thought.
C) Something I thought was lost forever!

If you answered Mostly A: 
You are sadly in the majority, make yourself disappear for good.

Mostly B:
You live under the radar, do something mental.

Mostly C:
Fuck right off - you are definitely an A or a B.
​