The first person to survive being 'Fair Gamed' by a notorious Consultancy Company has bravely come forward to the Splice.

Before grabbing the homely essentials and absconding to shores unknown, Nicholas B detailed how QD Revolutions hounded him and his family.

"They told me the ankle tag was just a temporary measure.  I had it on for 3 years.  It used to beep and shock me whenever I was more than 5 kilometers from work.  Thank Christ the batteries ran out."

He went on to say how this made him suspect that a dead fox nailed to his door and 3 A.M. calls from fax machines were all related.  Over an encrypted line, his wife confided, "Nicholas browsed Monster.lu for 20 minutes one night.  The next day there was somebody dressed as a clown in our basement."   

Head of QD's H.R. Guillermo (a kind of Frankenstein's monster who dresses as the clown) said, "It puts the lotion in the bucket, it puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again."    

We wish Nicolas and his wife all the best in relocating in peace for the New Year.

Christmas market vendor Claude Tightfaust is adamant that his wares will fly off the shelves of his tottering stall this season.

“Many pigeons, I mean customers, will take the standard snow globes and hideous metal figurines for at least double the price of German markets,” he reckons.

“This year I’ve also got some nasty metallic swords and dragon ornaments. I’ve lost count of the envious looks from other stall holders, the one trick ponies that they are.”

A Swiss couple directly opposite Claude, who sell eye gougingly expensive Gingerbread weighed in with; “He drinks his body weight in Gluhwein and squawks at people like a crow. It’s more scary than funny.”

On trying to politely leave, Claude started to bargain. ”Alright, the doyly set for €50! An itchy Santa hat for €25!”

Long into the night he shouted “Take my wine cup back and we’ll split the deposit.”

“Be my friend! I want to die.”

Cannabis and free transport, blah blah, yak yak yak.
 
The Splice has obtained the part of the coalition plan that was not made public.  The best of these leaks are summarized beneath:

• To build another major highway from both ends but leave a gap in the middle for at least 20 years.
• To buy 46 more helicopters for Luxembourg Air Rescue.
• To place more speed cameras which only fine people from neighbouring countries and continue to have Carmageddon in residential streets.
• Continue to have no KFCs.
• Run bulldozers from Rodange and wrecking balls from Mondorf.  See who can raze the most!  Maybe some Apache helicopters just for a laugh as well.
• To try and actually apprehend some burglars before they disappear back over the borders
• To make more futile attempts towards cheaper taxis.
• Put UK citizens in stocks and have smug EU citizens throw fruit and veg at them.  Construct separate bathrooms and public transport for them.
• To decriminalize the breeding of venomous fish for the express purpose of smacking people.
• Squeeze more people on the 222 bus just to see how feral these bustards can get.  Again just for a laugh.

​True Story.

A bilingual frontalier is sad that his English colleague speaks differently to how he writes his emails.  Florian Dubois, a resident of Lorraine who is actually not lying by putting ENGLISH : FLUENT on his CV, is sad that his teammate Jo Buttons uses flair in written but not spoken form.
 
Florian detailed, “He bought me a mug saying ‘Fuck Mondays’ because I booked some trades for him when he had to leave early once.  The conversation never really picked up from there.”
 
“He writes about how a new Fund subscription is ‘Kafkaesque’ or how a conference call leader is ‘Machiavellian.’  But when I ask him about it, he just says things like ‘Alright boy?’ and ‘How are you doin’ ya fucker?’”
 
“I studied James Joyce and Daniel Dafoe during my year abroad in Dublin.”
 
Buttons sighed, “Yeah sure, he actually isn't a lying bastard on his CV.  I gave him a mug, what the fuck does he want?” 
 
He lapsed into quite a long thousand-yard stare, then grimaced.
 
“He touches my leg sometimes.”