What's happening at school for the last couple of months or so has been a car crash, let's face it.  Here's a thoughtful guide to getting you through the rest:

• Begin by taking your kids at the later of the staggered times.  Or the earlier.  Try clarifying this with frostier-than-usual fellow parents through a face mask on a Monday morning.
• Apparently the classes are being merged again for the final days of year.  But not in the way that you think.
• Classes are not being FULLY merged.  Students will be paraded up and down the corridors to say 'hi' to each other before being re-sealed into their oubliettes.
• They have PE again.  Or not.  The PE Teachers can also teach other subjects is something no parent wants to know.
• Sign up to the new temporary Maison Relais hours, and if the admin is in any way organized you will get a call at work telling you to pick up your kid immediately.
• Decipher the unhelpful emails from your kids original Teachers.  They are well into a nice 4 month Summer Vacation at the moment.
• Try to plan how you will get through the Summer alive, let alone a fucking vacation.
• Wait for the next wedge of papers you've filled in countless times already to arrive.
• Go to Cactus and buy all the overpriced crap your kids school says they need.

It is not a question of when, but which statues to to rip down in Luxembourg.

Obviously King William II, from the Place Guillaume II.  He was involved in wars and stuff.  Plus he was also a well known bullshitter.

What about Gelle Fra?  Any skeletons in her closet?  Better rip her down just in case.

Melusina?  That little whore is not a good example to kids.  

"She was almost certainly a Nazi sympathizer," said our trusty Gvt. bod. Claude Klules.

Plans are already underway to build a giant statue of "The Unknown Frontalier," to commemorate the return of the one person-one car army.

"It is also to celebrate the massive outpouring of funds from the GD to neighbouring countries that isn't appreciated," added Klules.



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Luxembourg's fast food chains will not be issuing a statement (read: apology) as their UK equivalents are currently doing.

The rep for whichever faceless franchise own all of them said, "No.  Unlike the UK outlets who are asking for a little patience during the slow reopening process, we will just keep giving slow, rude and below par service."

"Isn't now the perfect time to rethink the policies?" we returned.

The rep sighed.  "If you want a decent KFC you gotta go to Maastricht."

"Fuck all is gonna change here."



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 "I worked for 30 hours last week!"

"There will be sixteen kids in my class next year!"

"I don't get paid enough to deal with all these languages!"

Just three of the things that the world's highest paid teachers have been saying during the lockdown.

Parent Eliza Hrusku said "We, full time workers are being told to correct our kids' work, and if we don't the teachers get pissy."

"If this keeps happening I'm going to buy them Luxembourgish chocolates at the end of the year instead of Belgian ones.  That'll show 'em my feelings."

The Splice proposes that everyone drops their other concerns at this time and spares a thought for Luxembourg's poor teaching community.  Why not pool together and get them a package holiday they can take in the two month Summer vacation that's coming up? 

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