Sick of explaining your IT woes to outsourcers? Is your 'issue' lost in the intranet labyrinth, or is it just plain untreated?
If only there was a dedicated Team, in-house like there used to be.
Well there is!
The nods, special handshakes and secret staircases. they're all there. No need to wonder who the mystery people at the Company party are anymore, inside that velvet rope.
Accountant Tom Grageingwell recently found out.
"I went for a dump after complaining about Windows 10. "
"Several pairs of hands came out and dragged me down a flame-torch lit corridor. I got paddled, had a venemous fish branded on my arm and was forced to drink someone's blood."
"My PC works a treat now! I checked 'very satisfied' on the feedback form."
Our burglars are getting braver, so much so that they are inviting you to take a selfie with them outside the houses they intend to break into.
"When me and my gang heard that the Lux coppers sent ten officers to ticket cyclists in Strassen, we pissed ourselves" said thieving bastard Jean-Paul Bichelot from Longwy.
"We used to wait until the Schouberfouer and then just go from house to house looting and laughing all the way."
"Now we are taking selfies, boasting all over the internet, then swaggering back to help ourselves."
Lux Police Chief Claude Klules said, "Our officers are well spaced all over the country. Some Police Stations are open for four hours a week now."
Bichelot added, "We're hitting Klules's house in six weeks, need anything?"
The European Commission have drafted a Survey to track the behaviour of children.
The Splice has stolen a copy and here it is just for you:
1] PUBLIC TRANSPORT
A - Your kids wait patiently in line for a bus and say hello to the driver.
B - They stand morosely in the middle of the doorways.
C - They shout down the entire length of the tram in a pathetic cry for help.
A - They work autonomously, except to come to you for help.
B - Their physical attendance is 70%, mental attendance is 6.25%.
C - Their 'homework' is video games on crystal meth.
A - They say things like "More Riesling with your Gouda?"
B - They leave toilets unflushed and laugh when you freak out about it.
C - They give you the finger to your face.
A - They pack themselves for whatever event they're heading to and leave you a nice note.
B - They forget half their stuff and you have to leave work to get it to them on time.
C - They get arrested for prostitution and the Police leave you a nice note.
5] SCHOOL TRIPS
A - They organised it with the rest of the Audio Visual club.
B - They ran off and got a taxi back, billing it to their school.
C - They scream when crossing the threshold of a church or cathedral.
A - They declare their love for you when accepting their Duke of Edinburgh awards.
B - They disown you, but keep the credit card you gave them.
C - They stare at you through the kitchen window.
Mostly A's: They need to LIVE now. Take them out of their bubble and join the rest of the world.
Mostly B's: They need the occasional hosing down but they'll make it.
Mostly C's: Lock them up and exorcise them NOW. Then introduce them to a venemous fish.
A wide-eyed spawn of entitlement has joined your Team while you were on vacation.
She plans to ask you what a fax machine is when you come back.
While sitting at your desk, Nelly Naiva continually tapped the PC screen until someone from Legal put her hand on the mouse.
One of the three Team Leaders in the five-strong Team, Tom Grageingwell told us “Our absentee prick of a Manager has already had her interviewing people.
"Last week she said to someone, ‘I’m qualified in Economics – I think I would have heard about this financial crisis you speak of.”
“The poor guy didn’t get the job.”
What’s more she cried when the last round of promotions was announced, and just like that she became our fourth Team Leader!”
“She has called a Team Meeting today. We’re going to decide once and for all what the best Twilight movie in the series is.”